All I Could Have Been

I miss it. All the time. No matter what my life has come to these days. I'm always wanting what I had. All day. Every day. 

 

How are you supposed to know if you were waiting too long or if you gave up?

I wish I knew.

The One.

Here's to You

"So.....My Love, as you will always be to me, here's to teaching me how big my heart actually is, to how magnificent it is to feel that love reciprocated and to our journey, together and now apart...."

 

Here  is the rest of the entry. It is way too familiar and unfortunately much more positive than the story we wrote for ourselves. But it still touches close to home.

Peace and confusion.

i'm finding my peace. and forgiving myself for those things i've never done.

willy tea taylor 
"cattleman"


I love this quote. I just wish this was true for me. Life is such a rollercoaster. So many ups and downs, back and forths...I wish I could just keep myself consistent. Happy as ever (am I or was I just convincing myself?) and really believing i'm finding peace. Really forgiving myself. Then all of a sudden I feel back to square one again. I feel vulnerable and confused. Am I just having a bad day/week or is this legit? Am I supposed to listen to my gut or is this just a moment of weakness that will soon pass? I have to ask myself these questions a lot lately. I envy those who are that in tune with their emotions and really know who they are and what they want.

There's so many things I miss, so many things I wish I had done differently. Isn't it funny how you can look back and forget all the bad? All of a sudden things were great, things could have been fixed with a snap of a finger. 

Like I said, vulnerable and confused.

So once again, i'll wait it out and see where that gets me. I'll find peace. I'll rid of my regrets. I'll get there, one day. 

Stars.

 

The type of thing that makes your chest tight and your heart hurt.

Details in the Fabric

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All I want is to breathe....take a deep breath, really breathe, and let it all go...

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Amen.

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Puppy Love

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Pomeranian Husky...

I need her. Yes, I have decided it's a her because I've also decided she is Bentley's soul mate.

Puppy lovers.

One day, Bentley, one day.

On a serious note though...how INCREDIBLY cute is this dog?!

The Little Things

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I grew up in a super small town, Overton, NV. There wasn't much to it but "downtown" there was an ice cream shop/deli called Inside Scoop. I have sooo many memories of me and my dad going down there. My dad was in a wheelchair my entire childhood so running errands with just me and him wasn't too easy when I was too small to unload his wheelchair. We would drive up to the front of Inside Scoop and the owners were kind enough to bring our food and ice cream out to the car. Those are the perks of living in a small town :) We would also go there after our day trips to Lake Mead, my cousins would come down from Vegas and it was a fun family function! Anyway, most of us kids would almost ALWAYS order bubble gum ice cream, so good! I'd always spit out all of the bubble gums into a cup then eat them all at once when I was done. Eeew, kids! The only kind of bubble gum ice cream I like to this day is Dreyers! I still go to Inside Scoop when i'm in town but I guess i've graduated to getting Black Cherry Vanilla every time now, the bubble gums are too much of a hassle! I just love memories I have from my dad, no matter how small they are, it's the little things that matter :)

Books!!

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I used to be such a reader! I read and read when I was younger. Then for years I just stopped, no reading whatsoever. This last Christmas I got a Nook Color and read all the Hunger Games in a few days then I started slacking again. With work and school I just felt like I didn't have enough time. Well now I have the summer off of school (I wish I was taking classes honestly, I hate not being able to keep busy these days, but oh well) and I decided it's time to jump back into reading. I hate not doing homework or anything, I feel kinda lazy and useless after work. I have a good sized list so here we go!

One day...

I'll find it.

Someone who is absolutely smitten over me. Someone who can't imagine life without me. Someone who is still head over heels in 1, 5, 10, 50 years...Someone who will fight for me. Really fight. For us. Someone who will do everything in his power to protect me, make me happy and to keep us strong and steady and save us the second he sees us drifting. Someone who wants nothing more than to have a family, with me. Someone who is committed, 150%, to me, our family, and our relationship, forever. He wants nothing more than to live happily ever after, no matter how hard, no matter how many bumps in the road we run into, no matter what. Hands down.

And vice versa.

Does it exist? I hope so.

I'm ready.

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Just call me 10-fish

Camping was a success!! It was one of the funnest weekends in a while, I definitely needed to get away and i'm SO glad I did! The weather was warm most of the time so we spent our time lounging in the sun, around the fire and fishing in good company!

The BFF

Me and my brother :)

Speaking of fishing, guess how many fish I caught??? 10, yes, 10! That's about 7 more than anyone else just FYI ;) 7 of the fish were just babies and I had to throw them back but I was able to keep 3! So proud!

On Sunday morning we woke up to lots of rain and hail and on the drive home we went through a crazy snow storm! Thank goodness I was following my brother home because I couldn't see very well and was kind of scared! Other than the snow, it rained most of the drive home and when we got back to Vegas it was chilly outside! On memorial day?? Right??

Anyway it was an awesome time and I can't wait to go up to Provo next month and get my fishing on again!

Sissy!

Monday was spent cleaning up the house, working out, laying out, going for a jeep ride through Red Rock, hot tubbing then going to the movies! It was a great day :) Bridesmaids was hilarious by the way! I laughed the entire time and could seriously watch it 500 times in a row! Unfortunately it was back to work and the grind today but that's life!

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Life is so strange. One day everything is working out, you're happy as can be and feel like you're on the road to recovery. You get your hopes up that maybe everything will be okay. Wake up the next day and everything is falling apart...timing is off, you feel lost, discouraged and disappointed...in yourself, in your life. I'm not trying to sound like i'm throwing a pity party, I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't need or want people to feel sorry for me...BUT i'm just in awe at how confusing life is. For everyone, not just me. I know it never ends either, and because of that, I can't wait to be in a spot where i'm strong enough to handle these curveballs and this stress a little better than I do now. I'm good at being strong for a week, two weeks, maybe a few months but then out of nowhere i'm back to being weak. Frustrating, no? I know i'll be fine and I know i'll find my true happiness one day, until that day i'll continue to suck it up and do my best, even if my best isn't that great, I can only do so much. Here's to today getting better and tomorrow being great :)

Justification for today...

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.


-washington irving

I'm scared!

I'm going camping this weekend! I'm talking real, tents, out in the dirt, bring your own TP camping...and i'm scared lol. I've been camping plenty of times but not REAL camping. Usually our trips consist of a motorhome/toy hauler, electricity, computers and projection screens for nighttime movies and warm cozy beds...can you call that camping? Anyway, it should be a good time. Thankfully my big brother and all his friends (basically my big brothers as well) and my best friend, Tyler, are going so i'll be nice and taken care of. I'm still a bit intimidated though...i'm no girly girl but i'm also not exactly a woodsy person. We shall see, my friends, we shall see! I even got my fishing license and trout stamp! Whoop! Oh and I have to drive 3 1/2 hours through Nevada by myself! If you know anything about Nevada you'll know that's a very boring, long, ugly drive with just a few VERY small and VERY creepy towns in between. Oh and very minimal cell phone service. The hills have eyes people!! Pray for me!! Thanks to my big bro, AP, I have 3 very detailed (even highlighted) maps to get me there. So here we go....

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Yesterday....

I got my baking on! I'm headed on a camping trip this weekend and wanted to take something yummy to share so I decided on homemade samoas and banana bread! I've made the samoas before and man are they time consuming but soooo worth it! These babies are SO freaking good. Like wow. I always heard rumors how they are better than the actual Girl Scout Cookies and I couldn't believe it...then I tried them and it's true. It was confirmed when I bought some a few months ago and they just didn't compare (although both are very very delicious). Anywho...I got the recipe here but there are tons all over the internet, mostly about the same ingredients and steps. This batch wasn't quite as good as the first. I used semi-sweet chocolate instead of bittersweet and it also didn't set up too well for some reason. Still delish though. I also have been wanting to try this recipe for banana bread! Definitely a keeper! So easy and definitely delicious!! My family was all at the temple--my cousin, Taylor, is getting ready to leave on his mission!!--so Jeremy and I spent 3 hours, literally, baking away! At one point Jeremy was rolling out some cookie dough and trying to make it look like Africa, when all of a sudden I stopped him and sure enough, it was the spitting image of Simba! Tell me that's not perfect! (sorry for the crappy pics)

So naturally Jeremy drew Simba's face on the parchment paper....

Thanks to some Doobie Brothers and an amazing cheerleader (me), he did a pretty good job!!

Don't mind the left side of his face, it's clearly a little off lol but as for the rest of it, I think he did a pretty good job!

That may have been part of the reason why it took us 3 hours but that's beside the point. Thankfully everything turned out and we had a good time! Afterward we started our Harry Potter marathon...i've only seen and read the first book (I know, I know, so sad) so we are going to watch all the movies before the next one comes out (hopefully!). Unfortunately we both fell asleep halfway through but that just means more Harry Potter fun next week right?!

Right on time...

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Love Affair.