All I Could Have Been

I miss it. All the time. No matter what my life has come to these days. I'm always wanting what I had. All day. Every day. 

 

How are you supposed to know if you were waiting too long or if you gave up?

I wish I knew.

The One.

Here's to You

"So.....My Love, as you will always be to me, here's to teaching me how big my heart actually is, to how magnificent it is to feel that love reciprocated and to our journey, together and now apart...."

 

Here  is the rest of the entry. It is way too familiar and unfortunately much more positive than the story we wrote for ourselves. But it still touches close to home.

Peace and confusion.

i'm finding my peace. and forgiving myself for those things i've never done.

willy tea taylor 
"cattleman"


I love this quote. I just wish this was true for me. Life is such a rollercoaster. So many ups and downs, back and forths...I wish I could just keep myself consistent. Happy as ever (am I or was I just convincing myself?) and really believing i'm finding peace. Really forgiving myself. Then all of a sudden I feel back to square one again. I feel vulnerable and confused. Am I just having a bad day/week or is this legit? Am I supposed to listen to my gut or is this just a moment of weakness that will soon pass? I have to ask myself these questions a lot lately. I envy those who are that in tune with their emotions and really know who they are and what they want.

There's so many things I miss, so many things I wish I had done differently. Isn't it funny how you can look back and forget all the bad? All of a sudden things were great, things could have been fixed with a snap of a finger. 

Like I said, vulnerable and confused.

So once again, i'll wait it out and see where that gets me. I'll find peace. I'll rid of my regrets. I'll get there, one day. 

Stars.

 

The type of thing that makes your chest tight and your heart hurt.

Details in the Fabric

...

All I want is to breathe....take a deep breath, really breathe, and let it all go...

source

Amen.

source

source

source

source

 

 

 

 

 

 

Puppy Love

source

Pomeranian Husky...

I need her. Yes, I have decided it's a her because I've also decided she is Bentley's soul mate.

Puppy lovers.

One day, Bentley, one day.

On a serious note though...how INCREDIBLY cute is this dog?!

The Little Things

source

I grew up in a super small town, Overton, NV. There wasn't much to it but "downtown" there was an ice cream shop/deli called Inside Scoop. I have sooo many memories of me and my dad going down there. My dad was in a wheelchair my entire childhood so running errands with just me and him wasn't too easy when I was too small to unload his wheelchair. We would drive up to the front of Inside Scoop and the owners were kind enough to bring our food and ice cream out to the car. Those are the perks of living in a small town :) We would also go there after our day trips to Lake Mead, my cousins would come down from Vegas and it was a fun family function! Anyway, most of us kids would almost ALWAYS order bubble gum ice cream, so good! I'd always spit out all of the bubble gums into a cup then eat them all at once when I was done. Eeew, kids! The only kind of bubble gum ice cream I like to this day is Dreyers! I still go to Inside Scoop when i'm in town but I guess i've graduated to getting Black Cherry Vanilla every time now, the bubble gums are too much of a hassle! I just love memories I have from my dad, no matter how small they are, it's the little things that matter :)

Books!!

source

I used to be such a reader! I read and read when I was younger. Then for years I just stopped, no reading whatsoever. This last Christmas I got a Nook Color and read all the Hunger Games in a few days then I started slacking again. With work and school I just felt like I didn't have enough time. Well now I have the summer off of school (I wish I was taking classes honestly, I hate not being able to keep busy these days, but oh well) and I decided it's time to jump back into reading. I hate not doing homework or anything, I feel kinda lazy and useless after work. I have a good sized list so here we go!

One day...

I'll find it.

Someone who is absolutely smitten over me. Someone who can't imagine life without me. Someone who is still head over heels in 1, 5, 10, 50 years...Someone who will fight for me. Really fight. For us. Someone who will do everything in his power to protect me, make me happy and to keep us strong and steady and save us the second he sees us drifting. Someone who wants nothing more than to have a family, with me. Someone who is committed, 150%, to me, our family, and our relationship, forever. He wants nothing more than to live happily ever after, no matter how hard, no matter how many bumps in the road we run into, no matter what. Hands down.

And vice versa.

Does it exist? I hope so.

I'm ready.

source

Just call me 10-fish

Camping was a success!! It was one of the funnest weekends in a while, I definitely needed to get away and i'm SO glad I did! The weather was warm most of the time so we spent our time lounging in the sun, around the fire and fishing in good company!

The BFF

Me and my brother :)

Speaking of fishing, guess how many fish I caught??? 10, yes, 10! That's about 7 more than anyone else just FYI ;) 7 of the fish were just babies and I had to throw them back but I was able to keep 3! So proud!

On Sunday morning we woke up to lots of rain and hail and on the drive home we went through a crazy snow storm! Thank goodness I was following my brother home because I couldn't see very well and was kind of scared! Other than the snow, it rained most of the drive home and when we got back to Vegas it was chilly outside! On memorial day?? Right??

Anyway it was an awesome time and I can't wait to go up to Provo next month and get my fishing on again!

Sissy!

Monday was spent cleaning up the house, working out, laying out, going for a jeep ride through Red Rock, hot tubbing then going to the movies! It was a great day :) Bridesmaids was hilarious by the way! I laughed the entire time and could seriously watch it 500 times in a row! Unfortunately it was back to work and the grind today but that's life!

???

source

Life is so strange. One day everything is working out, you're happy as can be and feel like you're on the road to recovery. You get your hopes up that maybe everything will be okay. Wake up the next day and everything is falling apart...timing is off, you feel lost, discouraged and disappointed...in yourself, in your life. I'm not trying to sound like i'm throwing a pity party, I don't feel sorry for myself, I don't need or want people to feel sorry for me...BUT i'm just in awe at how confusing life is. For everyone, not just me. I know it never ends either, and because of that, I can't wait to be in a spot where i'm strong enough to handle these curveballs and this stress a little better than I do now. I'm good at being strong for a week, two weeks, maybe a few months but then out of nowhere i'm back to being weak. Frustrating, no? I know i'll be fine and I know i'll find my true happiness one day, until that day i'll continue to suck it up and do my best, even if my best isn't that great, I can only do so much. Here's to today getting better and tomorrow being great :)

Justification for today...

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.


-washington irving

I'm scared!

I'm going camping this weekend! I'm talking real, tents, out in the dirt, bring your own TP camping...and i'm scared lol. I've been camping plenty of times but not REAL camping. Usually our trips consist of a motorhome/toy hauler, electricity, computers and projection screens for nighttime movies and warm cozy beds...can you call that camping? Anyway, it should be a good time. Thankfully my big brother and all his friends (basically my big brothers as well) and my best friend, Tyler, are going so i'll be nice and taken care of. I'm still a bit intimidated though...i'm no girly girl but i'm also not exactly a woodsy person. We shall see, my friends, we shall see! I even got my fishing license and trout stamp! Whoop! Oh and I have to drive 3 1/2 hours through Nevada by myself! If you know anything about Nevada you'll know that's a very boring, long, ugly drive with just a few VERY small and VERY creepy towns in between. Oh and very minimal cell phone service. The hills have eyes people!! Pray for me!! Thanks to my big bro, AP, I have 3 very detailed (even highlighted) maps to get me there. So here we go....

source

Yesterday....

I got my baking on! I'm headed on a camping trip this weekend and wanted to take something yummy to share so I decided on homemade samoas and banana bread! I've made the samoas before and man are they time consuming but soooo worth it! These babies are SO freaking good. Like wow. I always heard rumors how they are better than the actual Girl Scout Cookies and I couldn't believe it...then I tried them and it's true. It was confirmed when I bought some a few months ago and they just didn't compare (although both are very very delicious). Anywho...I got the recipe here but there are tons all over the internet, mostly about the same ingredients and steps. This batch wasn't quite as good as the first. I used semi-sweet chocolate instead of bittersweet and it also didn't set up too well for some reason. Still delish though. I also have been wanting to try this recipe for banana bread! Definitely a keeper! So easy and definitely delicious!! My family was all at the temple--my cousin, Taylor, is getting ready to leave on his mission!!--so Jeremy and I spent 3 hours, literally, baking away! At one point Jeremy was rolling out some cookie dough and trying to make it look like Africa, when all of a sudden I stopped him and sure enough, it was the spitting image of Simba! Tell me that's not perfect! (sorry for the crappy pics)

So naturally Jeremy drew Simba's face on the parchment paper....

Thanks to some Doobie Brothers and an amazing cheerleader (me), he did a pretty good job!!

Don't mind the left side of his face, it's clearly a little off lol but as for the rest of it, I think he did a pretty good job!

That may have been part of the reason why it took us 3 hours but that's beside the point. Thankfully everything turned out and we had a good time! Afterward we started our Harry Potter marathon...i've only seen and read the first book (I know, I know, so sad) so we are going to watch all the movies before the next one comes out (hopefully!). Unfortunately we both fell asleep halfway through but that just means more Harry Potter fun next week right?!

Right on time...

source

Love Affair.

"Time Can Make More Rubble Out of Dreams Than Anything"

Have you ever felt that no matter how far you run youre getting nowhere? Or how much you sit and reflect and spend time with yourself, you're never at peace? I feel like I need a vacation...I also feel like a vacation will fix nothing. I'm not sure what to do to be honest. Every time i'm having a bad day, my first thought always jumps to how badly I wish I could turn back time...but what good would that do? I appreciate things more after they are gone, I learn lessons from past mistakes, I push myself forward by remembering how badly I want to do it different next time and do it right. Life is messy. Life is discouraging. Life is hard and hurts like hell. But life is also beautiful, necessary and worth it. I'm having a hard time remembering the latter right now but i'm searching for the answer to my prayers, which is peace and being happy with myself and my decisions. For now i'll take it day by day, hour by hour and hope that i'll find peace sooner rather than later. I need to stop being scared. I need to have FAITH. I need to take a risk...

Horses!

I went horseback riding out in Logandale yesterday which was SO fun!! I have a boney behind and today it's screamin but it was so worth it. I even took over the reins by myself for a bit, can you say large and in charge?? Next step in my life would clearly be to invest in some boots and a belt buckle...right??

 Bowman Reservoir

 Desert sunsets never get old...

Cowgirl up!

P.S. How cute is my dog....

Soul Mate

source

So i'm gonna need this giraffe to propose to me, asap, and here is why!!

"Listen Moto Moto. You better treat this lady like a queen because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect women. If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect women I would give her flowers everyday and not just any flowers, okay? Her favorites are orchids, white, and breakfast in bed... six loaves of wheat toast with butter on both sides, no crust. The way she likes it. I'd be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I'd spend everyday trying to think of how to make her laugh. She has the most, most amazing laugh. Well that's what I would do if were you."

A cartoon giraffe...really?! I love you. I'll wait for you. Just make it snappy. Thanks!

Drive-In

Tonight is indeed Drive-In night...double feature of course! I've been on a real scary movie kick this week. It all started with some Paranormal Activity 2...sooo scary during but when it was over I was like uhh wait what? Maybe I should have calmed down on the talking and paid more attention. Next we went on an hour long treasure hunt looking for Rose Red...Stephen King anyone? Nobody had it!! So we went home, ate some steak and continued looking. Another hour later, CLEAR across town, we found it. Thank you Barnes and Noble! We only watched about an hour of it....seeing how it's 4 hours long that will have to be saved for another night. Last night, in the midst of my diseased throat, we watched The Sixth Sense. How is it you can see a movie five thousand times and still get scared when you watch it?? Hmm...I don't know either. So anywho! Tonight we are watching Insidious, according to my coworker it's quite scary! Tie that up with Thor and you've got quite the little double feature! My friend, Elisa, has been raving about the hunk in Thor so we will have to see what the verdict is. Obviously Natalie Portman is always a good time to watch, just sayin. Well i'm excited and this Insidious better be scary! 

via pinterest

This makes me miss the drive-in in Fort Collins. Although the Vegas one is cool, it's not as charming without the nice pine trees in the background and you can only see about 2 stars vs. a nice open and shining sky in a smaller city. Oh well!

Lost In My Mind

SICK and bored...

Two nights ago, I woke up it the night with an incredibly excruciating sore throat. Like, every time I was forced to swallow I literally wanted to cry...did I mention three nights ago we watched Paranormal Activity 2...my throat woke me up at 3 am...demon??? or strep throat?? According to Dr. Vance, it's definitely strep throat. I was lucky enough to also go from a 100.4 fever to a 102.7 fever in just a few hours...crying and almost passing out at the doctor's office is not my usual cup of tea, but yes, it happened. After a shot, some meds, lots of rest and some very thoughtful surprise chicken noodle soup and sleepy time tea, i'm feeling much better!! Don't get me wrong...much better=still very crappy, just without the 102.7 fever.

source

Hey strep throat, where in the world did you come from?? and why?! I hate you.

P.S. It's pouring in my mom's backyard right now, but not the front yard at all...strange and wonderful!!

Wait, whaaat??

A lot of changes are taking place in my life right now but there are also a ton of things just falling right into place. It's really blowing my mind!! Karma? Prayers being answered? Coincidence? Obviously i'm going with prayers and believe me I am soooo thankful!! It's definitely making this phase of my life a little easier.

source unknown

Happy Mother's Day!

Today was a great day! I spent it babysitting my one year old cousin and hanging out with my parents and one of my brothers. I can't even explain how much I love hanging out with my family! Good thing i'm moving back in this week (temporarily!). And man I miss my mommy job! Taysen is 14 months old and almost 30 pounds!! He's the cutest little thing with such a fun personality, I love this age! I watched him from Friday till tonight and it definitely kept me busy, but in the best way! 

On days like this, it always means a lot to me to hear from my friends and family. I don't expect people to go out of their way but when I do hear from people it just makes my day so much easier. One of my best friends, Jess, never ever misses a beat. She's always supportive and one of the first to say Happy Mother's Day, or check up on me when she knows a day may be tough. We aren't as close as we used to be but I appreciate her because I know I can always count on her. Tyler and I are still very close and he always lets me know whats on his mind. It's nice to have a friend to talk to about everything and anything. I got a text from him today that just made me so happy! Calls from my sister, hugs from my brother and texts and support from my friends mean so much to me! One thing I can say about this situation is I am so grateful for those friends and family members who really go out of their way to let me know they care and are thinking about me and Jos. So THANK YOU!! It makes me think twice about other relationships/friendships in my life. I'm trying to make positive changes in my life...surrounding myself by positive, supportive people is so important right now!!

Oh I even got the sweetest email from one of my blogging buddies who i've never met before but she still was SO sweet to think of me and I can tell by her blog that she is constantly thinking of others. That is something I definitely admire and look up to. Thanks so much Lisa, that really made my day :)

My mom seemed to have a great day as well. We ate gyros and I made (from scratch, i'm proud!) her favorite spice cake with this yummy chocolate cinnamon frosting! It's my grandma's recipe and it reminds me of when I lived in Overton as a little girl. Sweet memories :) Oh how I love my mom! When I was young and especially in high school, we weren't close and definitely didn't get along too well (my fault) but now that I am older and have some perspective we have become so close and she is definitely one of my best friends. She is so strong and always willing to sacrifice anything for her family. She is one of the most selfless people I know and I absolutely appreciate and look up to her so much!! She has been an amazing example and I don't know what I would do without her!! I love you mom!

To all mothers out there, Happy Mother's Day! It is truly the greatest gift one could ever experience and I can't wait till it is my time to experience it again. I love and miss my Jossi and I know she was watching over me today :)

My brother had some Photoshop fun lol

I couldn't ask for a more amazing mother!!

Music

{artsoulphoto.cm}

I absolutely love this! It's so true! From your favorite song on the radio to actually making music yourself, music is feeling. I don't know what I would do without it.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much I miss playing the cello. I played for a little over 5 years in school and as much as I said I didn't like it at the time, I absolutely loved it. I miss being pushed and motivated, both by myself and my teachers, to really try and be the best that I could be. The thing I loved most was not just playing myself but being part of a team. In an orchestra every part is so important so it was so fulfilling to work on our individual parts and see/hear it all come together to create something so beautiful. Being on stage at a performance was such a rush. I never let anybody know it but every time we had a performance I would get SO emotional during and especially as we ended a song. I do wish that I had worked harder and taken it more seriously, just for my own satisfaction. Random post for sure but just a little venting! I may break out my cello sometime soon, just for fun :)

{jerrywheeler.net}

{redbubble.com}

Blue Skies

 The last couple weekends have been spent out of town. A couple weekends ago I got some nice family/friend time in St. George. We just hung out, did a little shopping, eating and went to the St. George art festival for my cousin's fruit kabobs, yum!  This last weekend I spent in my home town Logandale! I absolutely love getting together with my GOOD friends and hanging out, relaxing and just having fun! I'm usually laughing about 90% of the time, refreshing!

We had a BBQ Saturday, unfortunately the weather was pretty crappy so we couldn't swim...since when is it cold and windy this time of year in Nevada?!

LOVE Elisa! She was nice enough to put up with me staying at her house all weekend!

Family Picture...between all 6 of us, the weekend was ridiculously entertaining!

Anyway, i've been out of the loop on here for a bit, just taking some needed time to myself to relax and THINK! I wish I was brave enough to move...I also wish there was somewhere semi-close where I could move and continue going to school... I need to do something...until then, this thinking will continue.

p.s. this song has been playing in my car and head for a couple weeks now <3

Spring Spritzers!

I made some yummy Strawberry Lemon Spritzers last night thanks to Linda Wagner. They were quick, easy and delicious!

Equal parts Sake and Champage, strawberries, lemon juice, mint and vanilla stevia. It's all pretty much to taste but she gives measurements on her website.

The strawberries were perfectly ripe!

Cute, right?!

Throw in some Amy's spinach pizza and you've got yourself a good time. Oh. So. Good.

Making My Day

Caramel Macchiato and an Apple Bran muffin...best breakfast ever.

WAY overdue car wash! Driving down the freeway afterwards was like seeing through new eyes!! 

Crusin with the pup...he's not scared of being near the window anymore!

Enchiladas!! Thank you Groupon! I'm kind of a Groupon freak...

Oh fried ice cream...there are no words

Vegas skies are pretty much amazing...

Took Bentley to the park and called upon our inner child...i'm glad I didn't break it! No really though...

He's cute.

The past two days were great. And much needed. Oh and did I mention that the weather has been perfection!? Perfection.